


Garak Loves Bashir

by irritatedcat



Series: Yamok Sauce and Fine Kanar [1]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: And Now For Something Completely Different, Crack Fic, Frasier crossover, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Some angst, all other characters are cameos, what
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2019-01-21 18:16:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12463209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irritatedcat/pseuds/irritatedcat
Summary: Julian's biological clock is ticking and he fears he'll never have a serious relationship. Garak advises him to date people who can offer more than sex. Naturally, Julian starts seriously dating a Gallamite. Garak finds out from Ezri that this particular Gallamite is a total playboy. Nonsense ensues as Garak tries to keep Julian from getting hurt without revealing his source. Inspired by a post about Garak being akin to Frasier Crane. Exactly that.





	Garak Loves Bashir

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [this post](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/331680) by startrekgeneral. 



> Episode 22 of Season 3 of Frasier ("Frasier Loves Roz") remastered on Deep Space Nine and now featuring our favorite boys. Please don't take this seriously, though it is a fusion of my two favorite things, so that is exciting.

Garak had just finished hemming a pair of trousers for Worf. The Commander’s had been torn and Garak did not need to speculate on how. To his left, Julian was perched near the work station reading a padd and eating something. Honestly, how the Terran stayed so lithe it was anybody’s guess. Garak found his diet irresponsible at best. Worf entered and Garak walked over to the counter, smiling at the Klingon officer.

“Ah, Commander I had been expecting you. Here are your trousers,”

“Thank you,” Worf said, looking long-suffering and irritable as always.

“Might I inquire about Lieutenant Dax?” Garak asked he found it best to be cordial with everyone, but almost friendly to his grumpier customers.

“She is well,” Worf replied, clipped and short.

Garak nodded, “I can see your, shall we say, hobbies, are still going strong.”

Worf, not a man to brag, gave a small smirk at the compliment of his prowess, “Is that abnormal, tailor?”

“No, no,” Garak cast a sidelong glance to the doctor by his work bench, “It’s not fair, but it’s not abnormal.”

This earned him a chuckle from both Julian and Worf. Worf bid them farewell and walked out of the shop. Julian hopped up and came to stand at Garak’s side, laying the padd down, “Ezri sent a communique, asking you to come see her in the hangar? What’s that about?”

“Ah, she’s about to board a shuttle to Bajor and her space sickness has been making itself evident recently,” Garak explained.

“She's taken that shuttle a dozen time.” Julian scoffed, “I don’t see why she won’t allow me to give her a sedative.”

“She is a Dax, apparently they can be very stubborn,” Garak said, turning to his next project. He frowned at the garish garment and held it up, a magenta and green leotard with smatterings of silver streaks all through. He held it before Julian who would be soon wearing it at the wedding of Captain Sisko and Kasidy Yates.

“Tell me again why you are wearing a suit of the same material as Ms. Yates’ bridesmaids?” Garak asked.

“Simply put, I’ve been roped into being a bridesmaid. Sisko’s got five groomsmen and we needed he same number for each side.” Julian sighed and looked at the suit, “It’s meant to be so awful that, by comparison, the married couple will glow.”

“I don’t know whether to be proud or despondent,” Garak muttered, at Julian’s quizzical look he elaborated, “Your cynicism is refreshing but surprising.”

“Ah,” Julian said, then heaved a long sigh.

Garak raised a brow ridge and Julian shrugged, “Lately everyone I know is settling down, getting married, having children… I just wonder what it is I am doing wrong.”

“Are you asking me as a friend or a therapist?” Garak asked.

“As a friend,” Julian replied.

Nodding, Garak laid the leotard down on his work bench and turned his back on Julian, “See a therapist.”

“Garak!”

“I am sorry, my dear, but obviously you’ve got some unresolved issues regarding the people you bring into your bed. I suggest you quit chasing after those that are all style and superficial and cannot offer you a lasting relationship.” Garak said, and felt that were Ezri here she’d have absolutely concurred with his analysis.

Julian folded his arms over his chest and pouted, “Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know. A fear of being hurt? You should look at a different kind of person, one with substance.” Garak suggested.

Julian nodded, settling his arms at his sides again, less defensive now, “You know, you’re right. If I was smart I’d go out with the next person I see I’m not the least bit attracted to.”

“Garak!” Quark shouted as he stomped into the shop.

“Oh.. well, the next one after him.” Julian amended, they shared a smile as Julian ducked out of the shop and Quark began some long, drawn-out complaint regarding a case of kanar.

 

**

 “Well, what’s the point of going to Risa if we’re not going to actually enjoy ourselves?” Ezri said to Garak, leaning across the small table in Quark’s towards the tailor, “So I slipped out of everything and laid myself out on the lounge by the private pool. Well, when he comes out his eyes go all wide and the next thing I know he’s run off! What do you do with someone like that?”

Garak hummed, “Well, my dear, you _did know_ how poorly Worf regarded Risa. Didn’t he and Jadzia have an abysmal time there?”

Ezri sighed, “I just think he needs to do something about- oh-“ her eyes had left him and she was looking beyond him at the bar. A young Gallamite officer stood with his back to them. Ezri leaned into her palm and huffed, “Oh no, that is my _least_ favorite client.”

“Who is it?” the tailor asked, casting a glance at the young man. He still didn’t understand the evolutionary advantage of a transparent skull.

“Garak, he comes in and brags about all the people he’s slept with! He uses the same neutral nickname for all of them, sunshine, to avoid slipping up.” Garak made a disapproving noise with his tongue. Validated, Ezri continued, “At last count, he’s said he’s slept with over one hundred and fifty people! Isn’t that absurd?”

“It certainly is,” Garak said, though he really had no clue. He took a sip of his kanar and pondered the problem- it was brief because then Ezri gasped again.

“Now serving, one hundred fifty-one,” she said.

Garak looked over and gasped when he saw Julian being pulled into a tight embrace and chaste kiss right at the bar. Certainly, the doctor had been with a variety of partners and he didn’t go out of his way to keep them a secret, but, still. Given their conversation just two weeks ago and subsequent conversations since he was shocked to see the somewhat vulnerable doctor caving into the cliched charms of a Gallamite.

“Good God! He’s here to see Julian?” Garak asked.

“Well, it’s no surprise. They both go after anything that moves.” Ezri harrumphed and finished her drink.

“No, you don’t understand,” Garak dropped his voice to a whisper, “He’s been very sensitive lately.”

“Well, I hope you don’t mind but I don’t want to sit around and wait for him to make introductions. I’ll see you later.” She stood and walked around the table toward the stairs to leave from the second floor exit.

Garak was not paying her any attention, “I have to warn him,” he said, more to himself, however Ezri overheard.

“Warn him how? What I told you was in confidence, Garak.” Ezri said.

“Yes, but…” he floundered, which was uncharacteristic and spoke volumes about the situation, “that is the _last_ man Julian should be with!”

“Well, don’t worry, I’m sure it won’t be.” Ezri said and beat a hasty retreat.

Mere moments later he heard Julian’s jubilant “Hey!”

Garak feigned surprise as he turned around, “Oh, hello, doctor.”

“I’d like to introduce you to someone! This is Lieutenant Brody. Brody, this is Garak, our local tailor.” Julian said, beaming, one hand on Brody’s back.

“Nice to meet you,” Brody and Garak said, both standing and facing each other, their hands loosely touching in the barest of shakes.

“Is it alright if we sit with you?” Julian asked.

Garak couldn’t bear to say no, he motioned to the empty seats, “Help yourselves.”

“I’m going to grab our drinks,” Brody said to Julian before stepping back to the bar.

Julian sat opposite Garak, “He is the greatest guy!” he said, exuberant, “You know when I first met him I thought how he wasn’t my type, but then I remembered what you said! I’m so glad you gave me that advice, Garak, because without it I wouldn’t have given him a second look!”

“Well,” Garak said, “Let’s not roll out that all important third look, hm?”

“Stop worrying about me, Garak. Brody is different. He really cares about me!” Julian insisted.

At that moment Brody approached and placed the drinks on the table, and in a sing-song voice he said: “Here you go, sunshine.”

 

**

 “It seems odd to me that a tailor would be so casual about the accuracy of his measurments,” Odo said, observing as Garak measured Kira for her gown for the wedding.

Garak gave him a look, “I invite you to do better,” he said.

“Very well, I will!” Odo said and took a step towards them, one annoyed look from Kira had him going back to his place, “Maybe another time,” he said.

“Quite,” Garak replied around a mouthful of pins which he was using to raise the fabric to just dancing over Kira’s ankles. It wasn’t often the Colonel of the Bajoran military entertained traditionally female garb. In fact, Garak could recall no other time.

Julian came jogging into the shop, “Garak, I’m so sorry.”

“Oh,” Garak said, his tone dripping with sarcasm, “why had I assumed you’d forgotten your appointment?”

“Well, I was on my way when I saw Brody in the hall. Uhm. And one thing lead to another-“ Julian explained sheepishly.

Garak huffed.

“What’s that about? Every time I mention Brody you make that face! I keep getting the sense that you don’t like him that much.” Julian said.

Kira and Odo exchanged uncomfortable looks.

Garak rose up from his crouched position to kneel and face the doctor, “It’s just that I happen to know something about him.”

“What is it?” Julian asked.

Recalling Ezri’s warning he shrugged, “He’s older than you!”

“By four years!” Julian argued.

“Exactly! Those kinds of age gaps never let anything work out.” Hastily, the Cardassian added, “Now, you missed your appointment, so, kind-“

“No, that’s alright.” Kira said quickly, “Odo and I have somewhere to be anyway.”

Sighing, Garak stood and slipped the fabric off of Kira and onto the mannequin nearby, “Very well then. Doctor, allow me a moment to fetch your suit.”

Garak went into the back of the shop and Julian turned to Kira, “Does Garak seem odd to you?”

“Oh yeah,” she replied.

“I didn’t even finish the question!” Julian smiled.

“Well, when you know the answer,” Kira shrugged and motioned for Julian to continue.

“This is going to sound strange. But, for the first time in years I think I’m in a really solid relationship. Instead of being happy for me, Garak seems upset.” He said.

“That is odd,” Kira said, content to leave it at that.

“Well,” Odo cleared his throat, “Unless he’s jealous.”

“Jealous?” Both Kira and Julian asked.

“Well, think about it, he may want you all to himself.” Odo said.

“What? No way!” Julian laughed nervously, “No, no, no. Garak? Odo, how could you think that? Garak was the one who told me to find a new partner, someone with more substance and who’s more settled and nurturing.”

“Well, you could say that of Garak,” Kira said, smiling just to watch Julian squirm.

“No way!” Julian stepped away, walking in a small circle.

“Well, there is something else,” Odo said, and they all looked at the back door to make sure the tailor wasn’t on his way back just yet, “I probably shouldn’t say this but I overheard Dax and Garak speaking on the promenade and Garak said your relationship with Brody was driving him mad. He also said he wanted to tell you but he can’t.”

Horrified Julian covered his mouth with his hand, “Did you hear him say that? What am I supposed to say? Wait. Maybe I don’t have to say anything. Maybe he’ll see how happy I am with Brody.”

“Oh my goodness, doctor! Will you please stop talking about Brody for one minute and pay attention to me?” Garak interrupted, holding the garment out, looking extremely sour.

“Okay,” Julian said and took the suit. He, Kira and Odo shared the same anxious look before the couple walked out leaving Julian alone with the tailor.

 

**

At the replimat the next day Garak looked Julian up and down, “My, my, your uniform looks particularly pressed this morning.”

“Ah,” Julian shifted, “Well, Brody and I have plans tonight.”

“Ah,” Garak mimicked the sound, “Well that does sound enchanting.”

“Well, I’m thinking about making a rather big step in our relationship tonight,” Julian explained.

“Oh?” Garak asked.

Nervously, the young man said, “I’m planning on telling him that I love him.”

Garak sat in shock for a moment, then shook his head, “Are you certain about that? I mean, it is awfully early in your relationship.”

“Sometimes that’s all you need.” Julian replied, treading carefully given what he knew of how Garak felt, “We’re happy together. I’d like to think some small part of you is happy for me.”

Garak sighed, “Of course I am happy for you.” He said, “How could I not be?”

Julian smiled and they had a regular lunch. The entire time Garak was wondering how quickly he could find Ezri and convince her to help him find a way to save Julian from this.

 

**

After lunch, Garak went directly to Ezri’s office. She didn’t have any clients and allowed him inside, “What can I do for you?” she asked.

“It’s Julian,” Garak said, “This has gotten desperate!”

“No, no, no,” she put her hands on his chest and pushed him towards the door, “I do not want to hear it!”

Garak grabbed the edge of the door with his fingertips to keep from budging, “Ezri he plans to tell the Lieutenant he loves him! Tonight!” Ezri froze, her eyes gone wide at the magnitude of the situation. Garak continued, “From what you told me, this will be it and Brody will leave him. There has to be some loophole!”

Ezri sighed and grabbed a stack of pads from her bookshelf, “Help me go through these.”

Garak took two and sat down opposite her desk, beginning to scan the articles about ethical breach of confidentiality. Several long moments passed when Garak tapped the screen of his padd, “This says we can warn Julian if Brody intends to do him bodily harm. Does he?”

Ezri shook her head, “No.”

“Damn!” Garak sighed, turning back to the text.

“It would be so much easier if we could prove Julian was mentally incompetent,” Ezri said.

They both looked up slowly, an idea blooming and unspoken.

“Go on.” Garak prompted.

“Well, then we could justify protecting him. Is he irrational?” Ezri asked.

“He once shouted at Quark for bringing the wrong drink.”

“Hm. Does he ever act delusional?”

“He’s recently commissioned a white toga from me. Says he wants to be Ceasar or something.”

“Building! Does he ever display below average intelligence?”

“He disliked the Never-Ending Sacrifice!”

Ezri stood, “Go to him! He’s a threat to himself!”

Garak hastily stood as well, “It’s amazing he still has a medical license!”

 

**

Garak arrived at Julian’s quarters moments later. He asked for entry and the door slid open, Julian’s eyes were red from crying and some tears were still on his cheeks. He was wearing an old robe and slippers and looked a fright.

“What happened?” Garak asked, startled.

“He dumped me!” Julian said, descending into a sob, he stepped aside to let Garak in.

Julian’s usually tidy quarters were a mess with padds and clothes thrown all over. It was clear Julian had had some kind of a fit after the Gallamite had left. Julian sobbed for a moment and all Garak could think to do was stand there and look at him, eventually he ushered the young man into a chair and replicated a cup of water.

“Everything was going great!” Julian sniffed, “Until I said _I love you, Brody_ then he looked like he’d just insulted the mother of a Klingon! And he suddenly ran out of my quarters!”

“When you professed your love for him were you dressed like that?” Garak asked.

Julian gave him a weak glare, “No. After he left I went to change and I saw this and it hit me. This is what I am. A _loser_! I might as well wear the uniform!”

“No, no, no,” Garak said, he knelt down and took Julian’s hands in his own, “You know, when ever I am low I find it lifts my spirits when I just spruce up a bit. Come on, let’s run a brush through your hair. Or your teeth.”

Julian stood quickly, and went to the mirror across the room, “I look awful!”

“No, no, no,” the Cardassian protested.

“You’re a liar. But, you were right about Brody. I didn’t even see it.” He sat down on the bed and dabbed at his eyes with the corner of the robe, “What brought you over here?”

“Well, I was coming over to try and convince you that Brody is all wrong for you.” Garak said, “You deserve someone better.”

“Oh yeah,” Julian scoffed, trying to pull a brush through his wild hair, “I’m a real catch!”

Garak sighed sympathetically and went over and took the brush, “Things aren’t as dark as they seem. You are very attractive and intelligent and desirable!” He began to gently brush Julian’s hair, “Any man in the world would be lucky to have you.”

Julian sniffled quietly, “You really think that, don’t you?”

“Of course, I do,” Garak said, “You haven’t even got to ask.”

“I guess I didn’t. I’ve sort of known you’ve had these feelings for me for a while.” Julian carried on, and that was good because Garak had the most confused look on his face which he couldn’t mask. He certainly had once entertained notions of being with the young doctor, however with the war going on, and Julian’s constant pursuit of other men, he had let it go. An old man’s fantasy and nothing more. “You hated Brody, and told me to pick someone with substance… and. Well, Odo said he overheard you talking to Ezri that you couldn’t stop thinking about me.”

“Odo told you?” Garak asked.

“Yes, but don’t be mad,” Julian said.

“I’m not, it’s just, what he heard was-“

Julian wasn’t listening, “Right now all that’s keeping me together is knowing someone like you could ever be interested in someone like me.”

Garak felt trapped. He inhaled slowly, “Well, then there’s no point in denying it is there.” As he tried to think of a way out of this he began to brush much more heavily, pulling at the short hairs, pushing Julian’s head to one side.

Julian didn’t seem to care, “Maybe it isn’t so crazy- you know? You and me? You are the kind of man I should be with! Smart… gentle..”

Garak dropped the brush on Julian’s head.

“Ow! I said gentle!” the Terran yelled.

“I do apologize!” Garak said hastily, stepping towards the door, his hands clasped together. Oh, how would he ever get out of this?

Julian shook his head, “Well, maybe that isn’t such a good idea. We are at war, and we’re two completely different species, and you know, after this I am certainly on the rebound.” Garak nodded along with all of these very valid points. Julian continued, “But I think the best relationships start off as friends. And we are friends… aren’t we?”

Julian finally turned his wide, dark eyes on Garak. The Cardassian knew he could easily dismiss all of this and walk out, but that would only hurt his friend more. He sighed instead and looked upon the odd Terran fondly, “We are. Very good friends.”

“Right now we are both free,” Julian stood up and stepped closer to Garak.

“In my case,” the tailor choked, “ _painfully_ free.”

“You know, maybe, with our eyes open… maybe we could?” He leaned towards Garak and Garak leaned towards Julian. Then they both parted, arms waving and shouting denials.

“This is crazy! I don’t want to ruin our relationship!” Julian said.

Garak nodded, “It would be a waste!”

The two untouched glasses on the table was the only evidence left of Brody. Julian lifted one, and Garak the other, Julian tapped his glass to Garak’s, “To friendship?”

“Yes,” Garak said, “And, here’s hoping that the next time you tell a man you love him, he says it back.”

Julian smiled and the sipped their drinks. The silence between then was meaningful, and Julian smiled, opened his mouth to speak, paused, then said, “Thank you.”

“Well, I better be going,” Garak said, beginning to stand.

“Yeah,” Julian sighed, “I seem to have that effect on people this evening.”

Wanting to avoid another episode, Garak said, “I can stay if you’d like!”

“No,” Julian smiled, “Don’t you worry about me. I will be sliding into a warm bed with a good book.”

Garak smiled, “See you tomorrow for lunch, doctor.”

“Good night, Garak,” Julian said.

Once the door had closed between them they both stood on the other side. Garak considered going back in, grabbing Julian in his arms and seeing just what could be. Julian wondered if he ought to open the door and chase Garak and admit that he had been secretly hoping Garak was lusting after him. In the end, they both stepped away from the door; Julian got into bed with a copy of the Never-Ending Sacrifice and Garak went back to his quarters to read The Tale of Two Cities.


End file.
